5 Years Ago...

Here's what I wrote in an email:

It's hard to believe another Christmas is coming so soon. Todd does such a good job with our decorations, but this weekend he wasn't able to do anything but get rid of the pumpkins and hay bales! He's been having pain in his lower back now for months, and the dr told him when he first complained about it, that it was muscular. Then they said he had blood in his urine, so after seeing a urologist (sp?) Friday, they think it may be something to do with his kidneys. No sign of any stones or infection, though. He's a mystery too! He's had so many tests lately, that he's getting frustrated with no answers and still in pain. He's starting to think he's just going to have live with the pain. Now they want him to get a catscan. He's not happy.

Exclusion

Ever feel excluded when you really aren't? I do. I'm invited to a lot of church functions and dinner invitations for families. We are invited, as a family. Yet somehow when we attend these things, I feel excluded. I don't feel like our whole family is present, and the fact is it's not.

There are other exclusions as well. It's a hard reality to live not being a wife anymore, but still a mother. Single parenting is tough enough, but it also has a negative stigma with it, especially in Christian circles. This is not easy, and often leaves me feeling excluded.

And what about the church as a whole? Most everyone my age with children are married. When talking about being a good wife, I'm excluded. When talking about fathers of our children, I'm excluded.

The exclusions hurt in the deepest part of my being, in my soul. I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit is in that deepest part as well, and can comfort and soothe like no one else can. He understands like no one. He cares like no one. He NEVER excludes....thank you, God. What and where would I be without you? Thank you.

The better it was, the more difficult it is

Ever hear the term "soul mates?" Todd and I had a very close relationship. We couldn't wait to be in each other's presence when we were not together. We cherished every minute together. We shared our deepest feelings and deepest thoughts. We were inseparable. Todd never had a night out with the guys and I never had a night out with the girls. When given that opportunity, we preferred to be with each other. He did attend Men's Bible studies, and I ladies' Bible studies, but that's not what I mean. Never did we spend a night apart, except when one or the other was hospitalized. I hear a lot of wives say their husbands are traveling or hunting or away for various reasons, and I just can't even imagine that, because we were so blessed to not have jobs or other responsibilities that would keep us apart for anytime overnight or for weekends, etc. I'm sure we would be on the phone ALOT if it had to be that way, but I just can't fathom that scenario for us. I guess I'm trying to say that if given any other choice to spend time with friends or family, we would both for certainty, choose to be with each other.

In our pre-marriage counseling, we were advised to not let things get "stale" or "boring" in our marriage....not to let things be taken for granted. We both strove to keep it "fresh," you know? We would leave notes for each other. Todd would bring home roses. I would make special candle light dinners (even with the kids at the table...just eating together in the dark!). We would just take off without planning to walk the mall or in the park. We did this together, as a family. The kids were just added blessings, but Todd was always first in my life. It was his happiness that counted. It's funny how the closer we were as a couple, the closer the kids were as a family. We just loved hanging out together...even if it was just watching tv! I can remember the wrestling on the floor during commercials, the race for a drink or snack, the water flying in the kitchen, races back to our seats, tickling, joking, hiding favorite pillows...

It was the best. I couldn't ask for a better marriage and family life. Sure, we had our disagreements (never real arguments, though), we had our trials with health and exhaustion with raising young children, sadness....but we were there for each other. We were strong. And we were strong in the Lord as well. Todd was a great leader, husband, and father.

So, that makes it even harder now. Yes, almost 4 and a half years later, I still cry and I still hurt and I still feel like I can't make it through another day without him. People can't believe that it's been almost 5 years and I still can miss him this much. They ask if I will remarry. What? It still feels fresh. It still hurts like I can't describe. I'm convinced that the better it was for us, the more difficult it is now, and for who knows how long. I miss my soul mate.