wow. I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted, and it's been 7 years since Todd went to heaven. This past year many more have joined Todd in heaven. It makes heaven so much more real to me, and it makes me yearn for my forever "home" more each day. 7 years may seem like a long time to many, however, some days it feels like it was yesterday. I can still see Todd's smile and hear his laughter. Now that my 21 year old son will be delivering soon and got his new uniform, he reminds me every day of his father. He looks like him, acts like him, and praise the Lord, has Todd's heart and love for Jesus! Anyway, I am reminded daily in little things of Todd. I miss him....even now 7 years later.

i hate cancer

Last week my good friend and sister-in-law, Todd's caregiver when he was sick, found out after having a gall bladder attack, that she had cancer. It was shocking to all of us, especially to her family. Kelly is a rock. She is the strong one in the family. She is the glue that holds everyone together. Thankfully, they were able to get all the cancer and she is recuperating at home, but just the thought of losing her was enough to send us all into shock.

Wednesday as we waited to hear from the surgeon, all I could do was to remember that day I waited to hear from Todd's surgeons. Todd was in surgery for 10 hours on February 17, 2005. I remember the surgeon coming out after that long day, looking exhausted, and his pants and shoes covered in blood, Todd's blood. I can't remember much of what he said, but I remember him saying they almost lost him a few times, but that he was now stable in ICU.

What a horrible place ICU was. Machines beeping and clicking and humming. I watched as one machine pushed Todd's chest up and down to keep him breathing. I saw many more attached to him from everywhere beeping and humming away. I watched the nurses busily checking wires, tubes, bags, vitals. I remember staring at a stranger laying in that bed that they told me was Todd.

Cancer is a horrible thing. It sneaks up on you in silence, then pounces, and spreads quickly. It is painful. It is deadly. I don't like the word and I don't like the disease. It is a nightmare to live through. I hate cancer.

Going Backwards?

I was thinking the other weekend how I feel like I'm sliding backwards in this journey through grief. I'm standing in a grocery store and hear a distant voice asking me if they can help me find something. How can someone help me find something that I don't know what I'm looking for? I forget alot again. My children talk, but I don't hear them. I can't sleep. I feel like I'm back in that first year or so of grief, and I hate it. Or do I?

Remembering the first two years without Todd brings a strange feeling. I was in a very dark and scary valley. Everything hurt all the time, and I couldn't seem to even get out of bed. I never felt guilty staying in bed, nor guilt for not making dinner for my children, nor guilt for not hearing them when they talked to me,nor guilt for crying hours on end. There was a protective covering over that valley....a deep, thick, dark fog. It was safe in that fog.

As I began to make my way out of the fog, the light was bright, but it was warm. I felt like I was ready to move out there in that big world. I knew my Father was with me, and I knew He would never leave me; afterall, He was with me in that dark valley, wasn't He? So I began taking those baby steps.

Now the steps have become steep and rough. It feels like every day something is beating me back, trying to knock me down, trying to push me back into the valley. Then I think, is that so bad? Even though the valley was dark and cold, it was safe. I feel vulnerable now. I don't like the hits, nor the bruises and cuts they leave.

I hurt. I'm tired. I'm not even sure I am able to take another step forward without Todd. I'm not sure I even want to. Going backwards doesn't sound bad, it sounds good.