What Is Wrong With Me???

Okay. Here it is seven years and almost three months since Todd left this earth and went to heaven. Yet every night when I see that empty space on the bed, my heart yearns to see him again. I can hear his voice, remember what his touch felt like, remember every detail from those final months, and even, at times, think I see him here in the house!? When I wake up, I'm so disappointed the moment I realize Todd is still gone. I have been without him for SEVEN YEARS!! How can this be? I didn't think I could make it a day without him. I need to thank Father for this. I know it is all by His grace, mercy, and strength! As I watch the children grow older, I yearn to talk with Todd about them, pray for them with him, and discuss how to handle different family issues. I hate doing this by myself, yet my oldest daughter reminds me I am not by myself. I have God. Yes, but what she doesn't seem to take into account is that God is not "touchable" or "seeable." I keep seeing Todd's eyes. He loved me so much. I miss him so very, very much. I just wonder if this will ever go away? Why does it still hurt so much after all these years? I suppose only God knows...

wow. I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted, and it's been 7 years since Todd went to heaven. This past year many more have joined Todd in heaven. It makes heaven so much more real to me, and it makes me yearn for my forever "home" more each day. 7 years may seem like a long time to many, however, some days it feels like it was yesterday. I can still see Todd's smile and hear his laughter. Now that my 21 year old son will be delivering soon and got his new uniform, he reminds me every day of his father. He looks like him, acts like him, and praise the Lord, has Todd's heart and love for Jesus! Anyway, I am reminded daily in little things of Todd. I miss him....even now 7 years later.

i hate cancer

Last week my good friend and sister-in-law, Todd's caregiver when he was sick, found out after having a gall bladder attack, that she had cancer. It was shocking to all of us, especially to her family. Kelly is a rock. She is the strong one in the family. She is the glue that holds everyone together. Thankfully, they were able to get all the cancer and she is recuperating at home, but just the thought of losing her was enough to send us all into shock.

Wednesday as we waited to hear from the surgeon, all I could do was to remember that day I waited to hear from Todd's surgeons. Todd was in surgery for 10 hours on February 17, 2005. I remember the surgeon coming out after that long day, looking exhausted, and his pants and shoes covered in blood, Todd's blood. I can't remember much of what he said, but I remember him saying they almost lost him a few times, but that he was now stable in ICU.

What a horrible place ICU was. Machines beeping and clicking and humming. I watched as one machine pushed Todd's chest up and down to keep him breathing. I saw many more attached to him from everywhere beeping and humming away. I watched the nurses busily checking wires, tubes, bags, vitals. I remember staring at a stranger laying in that bed that they told me was Todd.

Cancer is a horrible thing. It sneaks up on you in silence, then pounces, and spreads quickly. It is painful. It is deadly. I don't like the word and I don't like the disease. It is a nightmare to live through. I hate cancer.