Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. This will be our sixth Thanksgiving without Todd. Each year has been another painful step towards healing and in growing. The first year the kids and I ran away. That was fun, but a bit strange to be eating Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant so far from home. The second year I tried to just ignore it, but people found their way over here. The third year my sister brought us Thanksgiving dinner and I spent most of the day in bed....but did get up to eat some turkey with the kids! The fourth year was quiet, but we ate with more family, even though it was on paper plates scattered through the house. Last year my sister-in-law came over and cooked a big Thanksgiving meal, and we had a lot of people over. I don't remember much....just a lot of people and Kimmie doing all the work in the kitchen all day.

So you are wondering about this Thanksgiving? Well, my big brother is home with us, and he wants a BIG dinner with the entire family. My parents are flying up from The Keys, and I think this will be the first time my family will all be together for over 10 years.

But Todd won't be here. His seat at the table will be empty. His voice and laughter unheard. His loving eyes and beaming smile unseen.

Yet they say every year is a step closer to healing and growth. OK. Take another step forward, Wendy, keep walking...

5 Years Ago...

Well, I know I missed a LOT of emails since I last posted. To be truthful, they became more and more difficult to read and remember details of those days. I don't need an old email to remind of this day 5 years ago. February 17, 2005 was when Todd had his major surgery to remove the tumor on his right kidney. After the surgery, he was never the same Todd. He endured a stroke, lost his eye sight on his left side, had to fight numerous infections, and remained in the ICU at National Institutes of Health for over 2 weeks. This day, five years ago, is my first loss of Todd. He seemed so distant and confused for those last 2 and a half months of his life. I miss the Todd I had on this morning, five years ago today. I can still see his eyes looking at me with so much love, still hear his calm voice of assurance when we said goodbye, not knowing the future...I can still remember that day like it just happened.

I miss that Todd. I miss him more than I could possibly express in words.

5 years Ago, on the 12th of January

A lady called from NIH this morning, and said the soonest they can see Todd is next Wednesday, and this was "prioritized." They want us there early Wed morning, and she said it would be a long day. He'll actually be admitted in the morning, and then we'll spend the day there, going over all the slides, tests, and scans and talking with the drs in the afternoon, after another physical exam, to determine how to proceed. She said it looks like they will schedule surgery asap to remove his kidney, then treat the metassi...(sp?) in his lung after recovery.

The lady suggested we come down Tuesday afternoon and stay in a hotel, because she said Wed will be a long day for Todd. That's fine, but what do I do with Toby? Mom could never handle her at night....I can barely handle her! ugh. I know it will probably be too much to travel early in the morning then spend the day there and drive home. Todd is too weak to do that. I'll have to keep praying, and maybe Toby will be feeling better and sleeping better by then.

Sometimes I just want to cry, Betty. It feels so overwhelming. We just come off of yesterday's "high" with good news, and now I feel like the weight of the world is back on me. Todd's back to feeling terrible, said he had a bad night (I wouldn't know, since I spent the night in the living room with Toby), and he's in a lot of pain. Oh, I need to call about his pain med, too, don't I? I give up. How can I do all this???? I know, one step at a time. One hour at a time...