Stages In Life...

I'm making my way through the sixth year living without Todd. It feels strange. You know how you go through stages in your life? You know when you think about the future stages and what they will be like? All that is gone for me. Shattered dreams, yet still stepping into each stage, different from what I had imagined, and all now in a strange, eerie nightmare sense. I can't help but think, If Todd were here, how would it be different?

We used to talk about the teenage years of our children. Now they are here and gone with the boys. Winter turned 12 this year. Trina and Tiff both got their driver's permits. All of this is supposed to be done with Daddy. All of this was supposed to happen with Todd and I as a team. All of this was supposed to be fun and exciting, done walking beside and hand-in-hand with my Todd. Now I'm here alone. My future holds no hope of traveling and vacationing with a retired husband on the sands of the Caribbean, or taking cruises with Todd with no worry or responsibility of children. All that is gone now. It's just me and 4 older children, two younger. I love them all dearly, but I miss Todd increasingly, with each new stage of each life, including my own.

Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. This will be our sixth Thanksgiving without Todd. Each year has been another painful step towards healing and in growing. The first year the kids and I ran away. That was fun, but a bit strange to be eating Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant so far from home. The second year I tried to just ignore it, but people found their way over here. The third year my sister brought us Thanksgiving dinner and I spent most of the day in bed....but did get up to eat some turkey with the kids! The fourth year was quiet, but we ate with more family, even though it was on paper plates scattered through the house. Last year my sister-in-law came over and cooked a big Thanksgiving meal, and we had a lot of people over. I don't remember much....just a lot of people and Kimmie doing all the work in the kitchen all day.

So you are wondering about this Thanksgiving? Well, my big brother is home with us, and he wants a BIG dinner with the entire family. My parents are flying up from The Keys, and I think this will be the first time my family will all be together for over 10 years.

But Todd won't be here. His seat at the table will be empty. His voice and laughter unheard. His loving eyes and beaming smile unseen.

Yet they say every year is a step closer to healing and growth. OK. Take another step forward, Wendy, keep walking...

5 Years Ago...

Well, I know I missed a LOT of emails since I last posted. To be truthful, they became more and more difficult to read and remember details of those days. I don't need an old email to remind of this day 5 years ago. February 17, 2005 was when Todd had his major surgery to remove the tumor on his right kidney. After the surgery, he was never the same Todd. He endured a stroke, lost his eye sight on his left side, had to fight numerous infections, and remained in the ICU at National Institutes of Health for over 2 weeks. This day, five years ago, is my first loss of Todd. He seemed so distant and confused for those last 2 and a half months of his life. I miss the Todd I had on this morning, five years ago today. I can still see his eyes looking at me with so much love, still hear his calm voice of assurance when we said goodbye, not knowing the future...I can still remember that day like it just happened.

I miss that Todd. I miss him more than I could possibly express in words.