The better it was, the more difficult it is

Ever hear the term "soul mates?" Todd and I had a very close relationship. We couldn't wait to be in each other's presence when we were not together. We cherished every minute together. We shared our deepest feelings and deepest thoughts. We were inseparable. Todd never had a night out with the guys and I never had a night out with the girls. When given that opportunity, we preferred to be with each other. He did attend Men's Bible studies, and I ladies' Bible studies, but that's not what I mean. Never did we spend a night apart, except when one or the other was hospitalized. I hear a lot of wives say their husbands are traveling or hunting or away for various reasons, and I just can't even imagine that, because we were so blessed to not have jobs or other responsibilities that would keep us apart for anytime overnight or for weekends, etc. I'm sure we would be on the phone ALOT if it had to be that way, but I just can't fathom that scenario for us. I guess I'm trying to say that if given any other choice to spend time with friends or family, we would both for certainty, choose to be with each other.

In our pre-marriage counseling, we were advised to not let things get "stale" or "boring" in our marriage....not to let things be taken for granted. We both strove to keep it "fresh," you know? We would leave notes for each other. Todd would bring home roses. I would make special candle light dinners (even with the kids at the table...just eating together in the dark!). We would just take off without planning to walk the mall or in the park. We did this together, as a family. The kids were just added blessings, but Todd was always first in my life. It was his happiness that counted. It's funny how the closer we were as a couple, the closer the kids were as a family. We just loved hanging out together...even if it was just watching tv! I can remember the wrestling on the floor during commercials, the race for a drink or snack, the water flying in the kitchen, races back to our seats, tickling, joking, hiding favorite pillows...

It was the best. I couldn't ask for a better marriage and family life. Sure, we had our disagreements (never real arguments, though), we had our trials with health and exhaustion with raising young children, sadness....but we were there for each other. We were strong. And we were strong in the Lord as well. Todd was a great leader, husband, and father.

So, that makes it even harder now. Yes, almost 4 and a half years later, I still cry and I still hurt and I still feel like I can't make it through another day without him. People can't believe that it's been almost 5 years and I still can miss him this much. They ask if I will remarry. What? It still feels fresh. It still hurts like I can't describe. I'm convinced that the better it was for us, the more difficult it is now, and for who knows how long. I miss my soul mate.

painful memories still linger...

Whenever one of the children got hurt, I always asked Todd what he thought....worthy of calling the doctor? or ER visit? What did he think? What should we do? And he was the one who tended to the wound, took out splinters, made the medical decisions necessary...

I was and still am not very good with medical things, especially blood. When Todd was sick, I had to take Nathan to get stitches in his hand. I couldn't watch as they stitched his hand; in fact, I almost got sick just being in that atmosphere! When it was time to put a new bandage on, Nathan went into Dad and had him do it.

Last week Winter hurt her finger. I tried to ignore it, but finally ended up taking her to get it checked. Today I had to re-tape the hurt finger. Our ped gave me instructions and showed me the medical tape to use, but I didn't even think we had any at home. I was wrong. The kids reminded me of the box of supplies that NIH allowed us to keep from when Todd was so sick. There was tape in the box. Looking at the tape again, brought back so many memories. Friends and friends of friends would take turns and come every day, sometimes twice a day, and tend to Todd's medical needs here at home. They would give IV's, change his bandage, take his blood pressure... what a blessing that was!

Remembering those days, even now, is painful, however I praise God for the blessings through that difficult time in our lives. To watch my husband slowly lose his life was indeed, very painful. I remember the cane he used because of his lost vision. I remember the walker he had to use as he slowly lost strength in his legs. I remember the wheelchair he had. And I remember the evening he could no longer get out of bed or even sit up. I remember when we had to give him his medicine in a straw, because he could no longer swallow. It was not easy watching the love of your life lie in that hospital bed and slowly die before your eyes.

Yet the house was literally filled with family and friends, and some I didn't even know who came to be of some help and support. God was so good. Even though the memories can be painful, I can still praise God for His Hand of care and blessings on me through it all.

Can't Sleep

This is one of those nights where sleep just won't come. I'm exhausted. It's been a long day, and I feel like I've been running since early this morning (or yesterday morning). This has happened before. Every time I close my eyes, I see his smile. It's so quiet right now that I can hear his laugh and his voice. Sound like I'm going crazy? Maybe I am... but I am just missing Todd tonight.

On these nights when the pain feels unbearable, I try to pray. I ask for comfort, for ease of pain, but then I start praying for others and begin thanking God for all that I have. Most times this works, and sleep comes easily after giving it all to Him. But some nights, like tonight, the pain keeps insisting on nagging and festering until the tears come and I feel like I am going to completely fall apart.

I know God is here.
I know God loves me.
I know He has promised to guide and direct.
I know He is the God of comfort and understands this pain like no one else can.

Now it's time to trust Him, keep praying for others, and give thanks...but it still hurts.