Jun 27, 2009

Can't Sleep

This is one of those nights where sleep just won't come. I'm exhausted. It's been a long day, and I feel like I've been running since early this morning (or yesterday morning). This has happened before. Every time I close my eyes, I see his smile. It's so quiet right now that I can hear his laugh and his voice. Sound like I'm going crazy? Maybe I am... but I am just missing Todd tonight.

On these nights when the pain feels unbearable, I try to pray. I ask for comfort, for ease of pain, but then I start praying for others and begin thanking God for all that I have. Most times this works, and sleep comes easily after giving it all to Him. But some nights, like tonight, the pain keeps insisting on nagging and festering until the tears come and I feel like I am going to completely fall apart.

I know God is here.
I know God loves me.
I know He has promised to guide and direct.
I know He is the God of comfort and understands this pain like no one else can.

Now it's time to trust Him, keep praying for others, and give thanks...but it still hurts.

Jun 18, 2009

I was blessed

I took a lot for granted being married to Todd. I've come to realize that what we had was rare. I knew there were "bad" marriages, I heard the complaints, I knew friends who were separated and some who were divorced...I knew it was "out there," but I honestly thought that was the exception, and that most married couples were living in bliss as I was. In seventeen years of marriage, I can honestly write that Todd and I never had any "blow outs" or angry arguments. never. Sure, we had our disagreements, but we never, ever attacked each other's character, personality...things we could not change. We were who we were and we accepted each other, faults and all. Before Todd went to sleep, he would say, "we ok?" and "I love you." We were told in marriage counseling to never let the "sun go down upon our differences," and so we didn't. We were also told never to withhold pleasure from each other over disagreements, and so we didn't (we have six kids, but well, that's ok! ...for those of you wondering, YES, we DID use contraceptives!). :)

Todd would leave notes for me all over the house. I was reminded of this when my daughter found a photo album where I had saved many of them. I wrote Todd notes as well, and I did find a pile of them in his dresser drawer from me as well. I loved finding those notes. Todd and I loved each other more than words could possibly express. He was everything to me. There was never a time when I doubted his love for me nor he for my love for him. never. I knew he loved me. He knew I loved him, and we told each other this many times every single day. The last words Todd said to me was, "I love you."

I was truly blessed with a very special marriage. God was good to us. Losing Todd was like being cut in pieces (not in half...in pieces). But today I'm trying to find and remember all the good pieces, all the love, all the great things I was truly blessed with. I'm not saying Todd was perfect, because believe me, he was not! In fact, I'll have to dedicate a post (or two...or more!)to his many faults! But not today. Today I know I was truly blessed with a wonderful, loving, godly marriage that honored our Lord and gave glory to Him. I was so blessed.

Jun 11, 2009

Buying shoes for six! (alone)

Tonight we all went out to buy shoes...all seven of us. This used to be a two parent ordeal. It took both Todd and I to deal with all the looking, sizing, checking, and pricing. Even though the older ones were able to pick out their own, it still was a big job for one parent. I miss Todd. He always made shopping fun, even with all the busyness and craziness that went along with dealing with all the different children. It wasn't fun tonight. I thought I was going to cry right in the store.

Part of being a husband was being a partner to shoe purchasing with me. Tonight I miss my shoe purchasing partner.