I'm making my way through the sixth year living without Todd. It feels strange. You know how you go through stages in your life? You know when you think about the future stages and what they will be like? All that is gone for me. Shattered dreams, yet still stepping into each stage, different from what I had imagined, and all now in a strange, eerie nightmare sense. I can't help but think, If Todd were here, how would it be different?
We used to talk about the teenage years of our children. Now they are here and gone with the boys. Winter turned 12 this year. Trina and Tiff both got their driver's permits. All of this is supposed to be done with Daddy. All of this was supposed to happen with Todd and I as a team. All of this was supposed to be fun and exciting, done walking beside and hand-in-hand with my Todd. Now I'm here alone. My future holds no hope of traveling and vacationing with a retired husband on the sands of the Caribbean, or taking cruises with Todd with no worry or responsibility of children. All that is gone now. It's just me and 4 older children, two younger. I love them all dearly, but I miss Todd increasingly, with each new stage of each life, including my own.