Dear Todd...

I'm not sure why I'm crying again and it hurts so badly knowing I will never see you again on this earth. I miss you more than words can say. I would do anything to hear your voice, feel your touch, see your smile... I could go on and on. I know God is here, and yes, He is my comfort and "husband," but I'm telling you....I miss your presence here so very much. My heart aches to night. I need one of your hugs. I need to hear you tell me that you love me. I need to see your smile and talk with you again. I don't think I can do this anymore, Todd. The kids are all adults now, and the younger ones are acting like adults. I have a feeling I've lost all respect from them, and I can't even tell if they love or care about me. I know they do, but I can't feel it. I never doubted or felt this way about your love for me. What is wrong with me, hon? I need you here. I miss you so very, very much. Another election. Wish you were here. Another fall. Wish you were here. November 2, 2012. Wish you were here. Toby just turned 9! Wish you were here. Eban and Aaron are growing up so fast! Wish you were here. Had chik-fil-a tonight. Wish you were here. Sitting here alone in our room. Wish you were here. :(

What Is Wrong With Me???

Okay. Here it is seven years and almost three months since Todd left this earth and went to heaven. Yet every night when I see that empty space on the bed, my heart yearns to see him again. I can hear his voice, remember what his touch felt like, remember every detail from those final months, and even, at times, think I see him here in the house!? When I wake up, I'm so disappointed the moment I realize Todd is still gone. I have been without him for SEVEN YEARS!! How can this be? I didn't think I could make it a day without him. I need to thank Father for this. I know it is all by His grace, mercy, and strength! As I watch the children grow older, I yearn to talk with Todd about them, pray for them with him, and discuss how to handle different family issues. I hate doing this by myself, yet my oldest daughter reminds me I am not by myself. I have God. Yes, but what she doesn't seem to take into account is that God is not "touchable" or "seeable." I keep seeing Todd's eyes. He loved me so much. I miss him so very, very much. I just wonder if this will ever go away? Why does it still hurt so much after all these years? I suppose only God knows...

wow. I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted, and it's been 7 years since Todd went to heaven. This past year many more have joined Todd in heaven. It makes heaven so much more real to me, and it makes me yearn for my forever "home" more each day. 7 years may seem like a long time to many, however, some days it feels like it was yesterday. I can still see Todd's smile and hear his laughter. Now that my 21 year old son will be delivering soon and got his new uniform, he reminds me every day of his father. He looks like him, acts like him, and praise the Lord, has Todd's heart and love for Jesus! Anyway, I am reminded daily in little things of Todd. I miss him....even now 7 years later.